What If He’s (She) Shorter (Taller) Than You?
By MaryAnna Donovan
I’m 5’ 10”.
Many moons ago I had to come to accept that most men were going to be shorter than me. And, over the years, I have found that indeed most men are shorter than me.
Does it bother me?
When I was 25 it did.
Does it bother me today? (I’m 55).
Not one iota: better not because my life partner is 5” 6 ½ “.
Next question: does he care?
I mean, he’s the man with the alleged I am man, you are wooooo-man bigger, stronger, taller thing.
Despite the fact that I tower over him, despite the fact that people turn their heads when we walk by hand-in-hand, despite the fact that I weigh more (major cringe) than him, it still doesn’t bother him one bit.
Why in the world am I bringing up this issue anyway?
I bring it up because for those of you who just may have it in your head that the woman has to be shorter than the man, you might be missing out on what could be the love of a lifetime.
Take out a piece of paper or open up a new Word document and jot down your answers to the following:
Why Must He (She) Be Taller (Shorter)?
- Is this something that is one of those “just because’s” or do you have a more specific reason?
- Write down your reason.
- If you told someone you respect your reason, would they feel it is a solid, undisputable one?
- Do you feel your reason is solid and undisputable?
- Have you always felt this way or is this something that evolved along the way?
What If He (She) Is Taller (Shorter)?
- Have you ever dated anyone taller/shorter than you?
- If yes, did you notice the height difference at all? Often? Not at all?
- If you noticed it, did it have an effect on your relationship?
- What was the effect?
- Did other people notice?
- If yes, did it bother you?
The Relationship (or Potential) Side
- How did you meet? Online? In person? On the telephone?
- When you started communicating, did you know right away about the height issue?
- If not, how long into it before you did?
- Was that okay, or did you feel it was a detail that you would like to have known sooner?
- How did you feel the first time you met? If you knew? If you didn’t?
- Was it a big deal? A show stopper? If yes, why?
So you are contemplating or in a dating or relationship thing with a man (woman) who is shorter (taller) than you, now what?
As I mentioned previously, my partner is 5’6 ½” while I’m a whopping 5’10”. We’ve been together almost three years, and quite honestly, over that time, the height thing is invisible.
Oh, I’ll admit, every now and then, when I look at the two of us in a mirror or a photograph I kind of chuckle to myself, and sometimes, when I’m in a playful (porky!) mood,
I’ll pat him on the head.
That’s when he’ll look up at me and ask how the weather is up there.
Anthony (fictional name) and I met online, which I’d sworn off after 5 years of on again, off again frustration.
But along came this “free offer” and I thought, what the heck.
I met him within the first week of joining, and yes, he had listed his height in his profile, and yes, he was honest about it.
(Lying about height is very common among men in their profiles, so if you find a guy who does so, that’s a pretty big red flag that his height is an issue for him).
He knew how tall I was for the same reason.
Did we discuss it much?
Not really, other than to check with each other to see if we were cool with the fact that there were almost four inches difference in our heights.
Of course, when we had these discussions, we had not as yet met.
We met soon, way sooner than most online daters, because as we talked (instant messenger), we discovered that we literally lived around the corner from each other – as in walking distance.
We also met fairly soon because Anthony is deaf, and so we had to bypass the whole phone thing.
So, after a few days of “talking,” one evening he said “What the heck,” and invited me for a glass of wine.
For me this visit was a triple whammy:
whammy because there were three big reasons why I was nervous in meeting him.
Number 1, of course, was the whole “meet new person for possible romance” syndrome.
Second was the deaf thing – would he be able to understand me?
Would I be able to understand him?
Last was the height issue, which after the first two, was frankly, inconsequential for me.
To my great relief, communication proved not to be a problem.
But after a few months into things, Anthony did admit that when I first came to the door that December night, he thought to himself “Too damn tall.” Obviously we got through that, and he admitted it was just a fleeting thought.
So how did we deal with our height difference?
First, we are older – mid 50’s – so we are both at a point in life of truly not caring what people think.
I highly recommend it – this is a wonderful and liberating place to be!
Our age, therefore, gives us a sort of over-arching framework for dealing with this height thing.
But here’s some advice that will help you no matter what age you and your partner:
- Examine your feelings for this person closely.
Do you respect them?Are you in love?
Are you friends in addition to lovers? - How do you feel when you are together?
Are you happy most of the time?Do you feel good about yourself?Are you at all self conscious? - Are you more aware of how people may be reacting to you than you are of your person when you are together?
- Do you feel embarrassed if you catch people staring or looking at you?
- Are you reluctant to show physical affection in public because of how people might react?
Do some pondering, my friends.
The longer you ponder, the more it is probably an issue for you.
And if it is, don’t beat yourself up over it.
Be grateful that now you know this is a showstopper issue for you, and know that it’s okay!
What now?
In my last article I presented you with a series of questions to determine whether you could handle a taller/shorter partner.
In this article I am starting with the premise that you have decided you can handle your height difference and to give you some additional things to think about as you move forward with your relationship.
Handling Reactions
You’ll be faced with several kinds of reactions.
First is that of strangers.
It is likely that at least a few heads will turn as you walk hand-in-hand down the street.
My partner and I don’t even notice and neither of us truly cares, but then again, we are older and less likely to be susceptible to what other people think.
And, we truly love each other.
If you find that the reaction of strangers bothers you consistently, you might want to look at why that is.
Second is family.
How does your family respond to you and your partner?
Are they truly oblivious to the height difference?
Do they ignore it, but act stiffly so that only you notice?
Do they make a joke that is really rude and awkward?
Do they make an honest, funny, totally endearing comment about your height difference.
Not that any of these should matter, but if they do, it is certainly worth looking at relative to the viability of your relationship.
Finally, how do your friends react?
Are they cool with it – hardly noticing?
Do they do the joke thing?
Do they act friendly to you when your together and then come say something behind his or her back?
How do any of these behaviors make you feel?
Alterations
Since I’m the tall one, I have taken all my heels and put them in the basement where they are now ensconced in darkness and mildew.
Getting rid of my heels was no big loss for me, though.
At 5’ 10” — 6’ plus with heels–I used to get dizzy from the thin air.
(Don’t tell but I’m a little naturally dizzy anyway.)
As for you guys, I highly recommend that you don’t go out and get lifts for your shoes or wear cowboy boots, unless you are a real cowboy.
There is no worse turn off than a guy, or a gal, than trying to be something he’s not.
Other Stuff
One thing my partner loves about my height is that he doesn’t have to use his stool anymore.
That’s right, I can reach the top shelf in the cupboards, the top of the refrigerator, the top rung of the hooks in the garage, and so on.
The stool is now stowed away for a rainy day.
What’s more, his ego remains thoroughly intact during my treks to the top shelf.
Then there are the cars.
We mostly share one car since it is newer (and safer).
This is very minor, but he obviously needs to move the seat forward, as in almost all the way forward whereas I need it all the way back.
For us this is a non-issue, but if you think about it, it could affect the ego of the guy or the self-consciousness of the gal: just something to think about.
This, then, ends my discussion of height differences.
My point in presenting this to you is that relationships are very difficult to manage in this crazy world we’re in now.
To nurture and grow a happy and healthy relationship, you need to be honest with yourself and your partner about what works and doesn’t work. And, to find out what does and doesn’t work takes work.
If you are in a relationship with a height difference, be honest with yourself, and hopefully you will end up with a happy, loving, and fulfilling relationship with your short (tall) man (woman)
In addition to being an author, Donovan was a college professor and taught writing and literature courses for 10 years.
During that time, she met scores of young people who provided inspiration.
Donovan’s unique style of writing as well as her never-ending candor and wit will make readers think twice before clicking the mouse once.
To order a copy, visit: www.i-hate-to-date.com.
Contact:
MaryAnna Donovan
of DC-101, Inc.
MADonovan@I-Hate-To-Date.com
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